im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
