I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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