Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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