I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Who died my cat blue again?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
