I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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