I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
