So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
