I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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