I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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