Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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