just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
