Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
