Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
