I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
