Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
