dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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