there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
