He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
