There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Even my vagina gasped.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
