wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
