someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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