yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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