Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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