Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
