If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
