I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think a kid would responsible me up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
