Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize