I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
