I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
