I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
