oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
