I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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