He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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