A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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