Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
