I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
