I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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