The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
