is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
