If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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