i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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