Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
