every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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