he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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