You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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