I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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