I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
