I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize