i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You know, be my cock's hype man.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
