Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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