My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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