Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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