Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
