I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
