What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
