There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
