Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
