pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
