That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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